A rash of recent ultra violent domestic murder / suicide cases is being reported in the Boston Globe today where the reporter seems to be implying that the economy is the reason people are dying because it "inflamed some men’s abusive tendencies".
Bullshit. We're all suffering in this economy. But not all men are going out and killing and murdering their wives and children and torching their pets and belongings. How is it that most men are able to keep their families and lives together in a positive and persevering way, and a few idiots are reacting quite differently?
It's because the men who do such heinous acts are ABUSIVE, not because the economy MADE them do it. I salute the men out there that are focusing on how to keep their family loved and supported doing these hard times, and who won't EVER find an excuse in circumstances to abuse / harm their loved ones. And the truth is: that's the majority.
The one thing that is disturbing about the article, to me, is that "vast numbers of women are remaining in abusive relationships out of fear they could not support themselves and their children in the current economic climate."
Isn't that the point of women's shelters? To give women who are experiencing domestic violence a place for them, and their children, to just breathe and take a time out to figure out the next step? I've heard it, time and again, from survivors and people that work in this industry... sometimes all a victim needs is just TWO NIGHTS away from their batterer in a safe place where they can relax, take a shower, eat some food, and just THINK without living in fear and uncertainty about what their partner might do to them. Given some time to think about what to do, without the debilitating presence of the batterer, combined with the massive support network of the anti-domestic violence humanity services sector, women don't need to be told by a reporter at the Boston Globe, that "the economy is making them stay in abusive relationships". On the contrary, women have plenty of choices and it's the job of the advocates in this field to keep putting that message out there to women: Even if it seems like your life is hell right now, you have choices.
It's also the job of our communities to protect our women. How? By trying your best not to be so insular in your neighborhood. Yes, I know it's cold outside, but popping over to your neighbor's house to see how they're doing, inviting them to dinner at your place, or even baking them cake... fuck, we used to live in societies where people felt part of a community, and when people are part of a community there's less chance for domestic violence and abusive behavior to go by unnoticed. I can't tell you how many survivors have said "why didn't my neighbors do or say anything?".
If we're going to get through hard economic times and prevent domestic violence from reaching the horrific extent it's been happening as painted by the Boston Globe article a few things need to happen:
1) Stop blaming the economy.
2) Hold abusers fully accountable for their actions.
3) We as a community need to have ZERO tolerance for abusive behavior in men - call them out the moment you see the red flags (don't know the red flags? Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" - they're laid out pretty clearly)
4) Keep the advocacy up and spread awareness that a) abusiveness is never ok, and b) there are plenty of options available for women who feel trapped in an abusive relationship
5) Look after your community. Yes that's your job. Check on your neighbors. Organize neighborhood events. Keep a tab on those families that seem open to your attention and those that withdraw or react in ways that give you a bad feeling in your gut. Trust your instincts. Know how to spot the signs of an abusive relationship by STUDYING for them from books like Lundy's. Don't be a bystander. Call the police whenever you hear an argument. Fuck the societal impropriety of that - it could be someone's life at stake. If you're a neighbor and you can HEAR your neighbor's arguments, that can't be a good sign. Do you want to be the person that wants to find out on the news the next day whether your phone call could've made a difference?
6) Keep educating yourself on violence and anti-violence topics. Get involved in discussions. Stand up for what's right. I could go on and on and you don't need me to remind you of what I know, deep down, you know is the right thing to do.
When a news reporter writes an article about domestic violence and puts the blame of it somewhere OTHER than squarely on the perpetrator, I get very annoyed here, because I feel like they're ignoring what's important: the problem is not the economy or the tendency to "inflame" men's abusiveness... the problem lies squarely with US as a community because we NEED to look out for each other. We need to educate ourselves and our male offspring and potential victims of what is a) healthy male behavior and b) what are the red flags and options for women to escape a dangerous situation. My question is to the reporters: Wouldn't you be willing to write your articles with an emphasis on how the community can help stop violence, rather than simply just blaming the economy, if you knew that could make a difference? I don't see many reporters doing this, and everyone in the anti-domestic violence field knows that greater community involvement, awareness, and healthy attitudes IS the solution here.
Stop blaming the economy.
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